Brodie Retallick Neil Francis: ‘The process of selecting mediocre imports over Irish players has to stop’

Brodie Retallick These ingredients are adorable!!

A little bit of Hollywood magic and I could get there. So I borrowed Michael J Fox’s DeLorean and transported myself back in time to when I was 25 and then went back to the future as a 25-year-old and presented myself for selection to the Irish squad in Carton House. 

Joe Schmidt interviewed me and asked me what I could do for the team.

Seeing as I was primarily a lineout-ball winner there was no real requirement for one of those anymore.

Skill, timing, ability in the air, athleticism and the gift of being able to beat your opponent to the jump – all that crap is gone.

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Joe Schmidt, pictured, wants to see improvements from Munster’s Jean Kleyn (Donall Farmer/PA)

Sure they can throw openside flankers into the air and make them look like Michael Jordan. Air Shane Jennings.

It’s all very simple now – systems, pods, lateral timing, synchronised movement, hoist your man into the air where their jumpers aren’t and a conveyor belt of quality ball will follow. 

It’s so simple that you should win practically 100 per cent of your ball all of the time. I couldn’t possibly add any value here. No point in suggesting anything new here or a common-sense policy, the team have lineouts sussed at the moment.

I would have to change tack in the interview if I am to get selected.

Me: “I am an enforcer Joe.”

Joe: “A Dirty Harry, are you feeling lucky today Punk kind of enforcer?” asked the headmaster.

Me: “Yeah, I am a big unit and anyone messes with me or my team-mates, then, you know I enforce things.”

Joe: “There are 27 TV cameras at a Test match these days Neil. You can’t even shape to throw a punch. Anyway we have an enforcer already.”

Me: “Yes I saw Jean Kleyn do lots of enforcing last Saturday. I’m not sure if his English opponents got around to appreciating the South African’s enforcement or anybody else for that matter.”

I watched the business end of the domestic season with i

These extensions are quite nice!!

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