Owen Farrell Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘I wouldn’t be shocked if she was running a meth lab out of her bedroom’

Owen Farrell These plug-ins are astonishing!!

So it’s, like, four o’clock in the morning and I’m lying in bed when I suddenly hear it. It’s, like, a high-pitched beep – or rather three high-pitched beeps in quick succession. And, in that moment, all I can think is, “Jesus, not this! Oh, Lord, where is your mercy?”

Because the smoke alorm is telling us that its battery needs replacing.

I do the usual thing. I try to ignore it. Like when you wake up in the middle of the night with a full bladder. You think, “I’ll be getting up in five hours anyway. I’ve no problem putting up with the discomfort if the alternative is getting out of actual bed.”

But what I haven’t factored into the equation is the fact that Sorcha is awake as well. She goes, “Ross, can you not hear that?”

And I’m like, “Hear what?”

“The battery from the smoke alorm needs changing.”

“I can’t hear anything, Sorcha. I genuinely, genuinely can’t hear anything.”

I turn over in the bed. Of course, she knows I’m doing that thing I do whenever she tells me that the dishwasher needs emptying or the bag in the Brabantia needs changing – in other words, ignoring her in the hope that she gets fed up mentioning it and just does it herself.

Five minutes later, the beeps go again and I make a sort of snoring noise to try to convince her that I’m asleep. But then she knees me in the small of my back and I sort of, like, howl in pain.

“Ross,” she goes, “I just heard it again.”

I’m there, “If it’s bothering you, Sorcha, maybe you should get up and change the – like you said –battery?”

“No,” she goes, throwing back the duvet on my side of the bed, “youget up and change the battery. I’ve been telling you all week that the battery warning light was on and you ignored me – like you do when the dishwasher needs emptying or the bin is full.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. You’re pa

These plug-ins are quite awesome!!

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